Sunday, November 8, 2009

Secret Eyes (6)

The house windows held enough grime to make peering through them quite a chore. Before I could rub myself a clean spot, True was turning the front door knob. I pretty much stuck to his heels from then on. The house smelled bad, rotten and decaying like punky old wood you’d find in the forest. Inside it also reeked, but a different stench, more like urine and old wine.
The interior of the house was not what I’d expected. Instead of emptiness and desolation, it was completely furnished with old-fashioned flowery furniture. It looked as though the folks who’d lived there had gone out to tend the farm one day and never came back. Dirty dishes still littered the kitchen table. Old food on them would have long ago been devoured by rats, mice, and insects. Mouse droppings littered the floors and open surfaces. Our shoes crunched over the debris as we walked about. Cobwebs shrouded the rooms with an eerie filtered light.
“Bernie, look, it’s like I said before – what happened to the people who lived here?”
I could only shrug. Who knew?
“Something must have happened, they’ve been gone for a very long time. Should we check the other rooms in case they just up and died here?”
I nodded and we carefully creaked our way through the old farmhouse looking for clues to its abandonment. I breathed a calmer sigh when no bodies or skeletons turned up. All of the bedrooms were empty with neatly made beds – moth-eaten and grimy now – but in their day they had probably been neat. Old homemade quilts and braided rag rugs gave me an inkling of the way homes may have looked about twenty to thirty years ago. The room reminded me of old photos that my mother had, photos of my grandmother’s house when she had been a girl.

Continued in the next post

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Anonymous said...

This is awesome. You're doing an amazing job of setting the scene, keeping the images alive in the reader's mind, avoiding repetition and dragging, and keeping us on the edge of our seats.

I'd love to see you pimp your work on Twitter. And on Facebook too! I'd like to see this get more exposure, this is a great little story and I can't wait to see where it's going.

Thanks for contacting me. I'm really glad to have met you!

Weezel said...

I'll try to check out twitter in the coming days. Thanks for the kind words. The story will end with part 9 so only a few more days to go!

Susan Beth Studio said...

Hi Weezel,

Just finished reading all the installments so far for "Secret Eyes", love it! I cracked up the minute I read "Mrs. Mister", and your descriptive language is AMAZING! My creative writing teacher always emphasized sensory details, and you've got lots here - keep up the great work! I agree with jdanetyler, I can't wait to see what happens next!

ps - I'm a huge King fan too!

Garry M. Graves said...

Hey Weezel...nice job. Who's King? What I like about your writing is the way you omit the; he said, she said, Mark said, Tom said...
My stories are full of these he said, she said business. Somewhere I read (probably from some respected writing professional), that these "said" words...disappear from the readers mind. But I would like to write more stuff without them...because with your storyline and keeps the reader "tuned-in" in what is being keeps the reader alert of who is speaking...
Anyway, I like the style. What is this, a short story or something? This is not part of a book you're putting together? later, --gg

Weezel said...

Thanks all for the great comments . . . this is short fiction and will conclude with #9. I try to post to my blog daily so I like to write stuff ahead and have it ready to slide in when I need it. This story started shorter but then took on a mind of its own . . . my work likes to do that sometimes. Garry, it's Stephen King -- my favorite writer!
Write On!